There is a beauty in the pain of rewriting the self. The lessons always seem to be never ending and some days it feels as though I am getting even further away from being human than I ever thought I could be. (Or is that getting closer to being truly human?) The awareness of every thought, emotion, reaction, and constant pushing towards my own lessons can at times seem very painful. This destruction can be wonderful but it's also a fire that burns through everything, revealing myself and my weaknesses yet again.
There were so many questions when this journey of self awareness started. What is truly important? What is the truth? How do I even begin to understand the lessons that come to me? The self seems to be the most important part; especially when you can flow with the journey as it unfolds before you. But it's so easy to get lost when fears crop up. The fear of losing something or someone important can generate the desperation of understanding your own weakness. How do you let go of something you hold dear and give it the freedom to fly? Sometimes you have no choice but to find the good in something like this.
A lot of times it's like a wheel of karma that keeps on turning. Every time the wheel comes back around, there is the lesson yet again. At times it can feel like punishment as you learn from the cruel teacher that straps you to the wheel; but the teacher is yourself. Who better to teach you than one that knows you so well, right? You are your own cruel taskmaster. No one else but you can show you the patterns that formed who you are today. We are our own worst enemy after all.
Only you know the shit that has been doled out to you and the shit you've given to others. But in this understanding is where I found my consciousness that was buried under layers of garbage that I'd ignored. It's here that I began to finally explore what truly laid at the center of who I was. The being I'd created through my own external experiences and up-bringing was not who I truly am. It was a lie and it was finally screaming in my face to deconstruct and reassemble. There was more and my shadow had finally caught up to me. It was waiting and it was time to face it; no matter how much it hurts to see it's truth.
Everyone has a coping mechanism in one way or another. A lot of things we do are to help us cope with this existence. Sometimes that coping mechanism can crop up in ways we never imagined. Trying to seek something externally, like answers, can be all well and good. But for me, those answers never really seemed to get me closer to myself or the lessons I needed to learn. It only served to put me further away as I traipsed down the lane of uncertainty. It only gave me more reasons to avoid whatever I needed to address. The pain of everything I'd bottled up since childhood needed to come to the surface; not be pushed down and ignored. It's a nice pit stop when you think you have the answers that someone else gives you, and it even has some great snacks, but the real path will always reappear when you see the snack you are enjoying is only their version of a snack.
Simply being me has been the thoughts that continuously dance around my head for months. Being truthful and trying to step into the reality of conscious balance through every part of me. Seeing all that the universe had to show me about myself. Everything played out in my life to teach me something. It's only through the pain of realizing that the lessons I decided to take away from each experience is what created the dark person I had become. The lost soul that wandered and never found the answers to the lonely void inside herself she'd created. The want to understand what was true and what was fake. To find something fantastical but real all at once. What was true love and what was not.
But by understanding this pain of becoming something dark, is where true beauty is given form through the simplicity of discovering just that simple fact alone.
It's a second chance. A chance to truly create something out of the suffering I'd endured. It's the honest look in the mirror. It's asking myself the question: who the hell have you become? How far had I'd ran from the truth of my inner core? It's the chance to finally create something I've always wanted. The chance to finally rewrite and explore the answers of simply being me.