The power of creativity has been a very large subject on my mind lately. Throughout my life I’ve often lived only in one state of mind, fully operating from a capacity of survival and sometimes even going on autopilot to get through the hard times. Sometimes I didn’t have a choice in the matter but to try and protect myself. I’ve learned how quickly ignoring something deep rooted in the sense of self and running from it out of survival can destroy you.
If you have experienced any kind of trauma and hardship in life that placed you in a flight or fight mode, you know exactly what I’m talking about when it comes to finding the will to shut off the need for survival as a basic instinct. It’s kind of like driving through life in a suit of armor and wielding a weapon at the ready. It can generate defensiveness and a pretty negative outlook towards your own life choices or experiences. It’s difficult and it’s very mind numbing to watch yourself waste away under this kind of protective barrier. All the while you reach out for someone to just understand you, for someone to just ‘get you.’
One thing that has always kept me going has been the need to be kind towards others. Coming from a life where I often had to rely on the kindness of others around me during hard times, I got into a habit of paying that kindness forward towards strangers and loved ones when I did have normalcy or stability in my life. I felt it was a good way to show my thanks. (Plus, I'm a weirdo and being funny to make others smile has always brought me joy.) Even down to protecting the lives of eight legged fanged creatures and the frightening flying stinger death buzzers that invaded my house. I have always tried to respect all creatures. It was just how my philosophy evolved. The more pain one experiences on their life path, the more you learn how precious life really is.
But the question I’ve asked myself, when is too much of this giving of yourself a bad thing? When does it become self sacrifice? Does it eventually come back to you or is that way of thinking inherently selfish? Sometimes I would just spend hours wondering when my own payoff would come around the corner from a life of hardship. Attempting to make a life for myself when all the while it seemed to be constantly running forward into a brick wall.
Creativity has always been a driving force for me as an individual. It’s keep me going and often served as my lifeblood when I couldn’t handle the memories or stressors that came over me from a life un-sheltered and fully exposed to some of the worst things life has to offer; even as a child. I definitely didn’t come from being fed with a golden spoon family background or a spoiled lifestyle. It was only in the past decade of my life that I actually got the chance to experience something stable. This is where the instinct for survival clashed with my own positive intent. That suit of armor was becoming a burden and not a helpful factor.
But a lesson I’ve learned is that it isn’t just always about stability. It’s about pushing yourself to want, do, and be someone that you’ve never thought you could be. By opening up a part of myself recently to a world inside of me that I’ve denied, I have begun to face the inner child that was crying for the armor to be removed. It was simply too heavy. Here is where I found my true creativity. Waiting to burst forth and take me over like a wave. Love is what saved me and I had all but forgotten the feeling of it’s bliss and the fuel of creativity that it can spring forth; and boy, love is all there is sometimes.
Life will always continue on and we all have dreams about what it is we want and strive for. It’s only been the past few months that I’ve found a way forward through some of my shadow and I can fully set my own intent without fear of what will come of it. The colors of life have finally found their way back into my mind and I can see a picture being painted from a seed that grows deeply inside my mind of what my future will be like; love included. If that isn’t being creative, I don’t know what is.
Perhaps it’s all about our own intent in the end? Not letting outside factors control us and remembering where you’ve come up to this point as an individual and using that to fuel your growth and dreams. The mind is powerful and with enough of your own negativity feeding into yourself, you will more than likely attract what it is you don’t want, something I've learned. Survival is just that: survival. It has it’s time and place. But it doesn’t have a place in our dreams. That’s where the playfulness, human spirit and love resides. Just a thought.