Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Healing and Awareness


In the past four months I've been on this incredible journey of self discovery, healing, and balance in a need to understand parts of myself I'd been ignoring for decades. At the start of this journey I was very much lost in a sea of confusion and grasping for external validations to give me an answer to whatever it is that was happening to me internally; and that is fine, especially if you've never really been a spiritual person your entire life. It's bound to happen that you'll want answers. Yet all the while, the answers I sought were only leading me down a further path of confusion, pain, and ignoring of what was really going on internally; no matter how much I'd thought I'd changed.


Anyone that has gone down an enlightened spiritual path will know what I'm talking about. I think we've all seen this before. It often manifests itself in the guise of the new age guru that spends a lot of time burying their head in the ideas of spiritual divinity. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that this is all a path that some of us have to go down to understand ourselves better. Whether through exploration of the Chakra system, yoga, tarot, crystal healing, astrology..whatever divine cosmic entity you choose to embrace. Take your pick.

But the problem on my journey that I kept facing was that every single answer I found only taught me further ways to ignore what was really going on inside me at the very core. Every exploration deeper into the idea of divinity lead me to another chasm of external sources to attempt to heal or teach me the elements of an enlightened consciousness. (Which is great, but why stop there?)

We are all damaged individuals on many levels. Advocating full stop at the spiritual only seems to fuel another part of our ego that gets fulfillment through the explorations of divinity. There is so much more than that going on inside of us. Accepting every facet of myself, including the light parts and dark parts, was the only way I could actually go forward into the beginning of my personal healing process.

 In my opinion, one can't fully destroy the ego. It can only be rebuilt. Relearned. And reactions can be rewritten. Sometimes this takes being reset to get to grips with how we've been living our life from just the ego or instinct. But either way, change is imminent on every level: heart, soul, mind, body, and even energetically. But one key thing that kept playing out in my mind was: damn, how do I balance all of this? It's driving me insane with questions.

Yes, I do believe everyone's own experience is unique to themselves and taking my blog entry to heart is not needed. But for me, I had to ask the question; where does it lead me when I full stop at divinity? Surely there is more to the growth of the individual to expand upon? For my experience, the issue has truly been all about this need to balance every part of me. Even down to my masculine and feminine sides. Acknowledging every aspect of me, healing every aspect of damage, pulling out the patterns, and embracing both sides of myself to lead me to the true internal problems I'd ignored. I'm still facing these issues on a daily basis (does one really ever stop trying to understand themselves?) but every answer and validation comes from an internal process first. It works with the mind, the ego, the heart, the spirit, and the body.

I learned that the answers were always waiting for me if I just stopped the noise: listened, felt, and explored what was happening to me on every level, not just energetically/spiritually. It all interconnects and I could pinpoint where the pain was actually coming from. While this might just be my own experience, it has brought me closer to better understanding the answer to every question I've had about my own damaged existence. In my opinion, the light can only answer so many of these questions. It can heal us in many ways and even bring us back to embracing positive thoughts and creativity. It's beautiful and can embody love in it's purest form. But there is always a dark side to this that we cannot fully destroy.

By embracing the light side of something to the grossest extent possible, are we actually destroying another part of ourselves that exists for a reason? How natural is that? It's just as oppressive as fully embracing the darkest reaches of ourselves, isn't it?

Either way, I can't say what works for one person will work for another. All I can say is this: external factors were important to get an understanding of what I needed to focus on and explore what was missing, but it doesn't stop there. Everything has a layer that needs to be explored in my opinion. Every angle is possible.

I wish those luck on any spiritual, mind, or body journey they might be on, just remember to not get lost along the way. We all have multifaceted parts of our consciousness and unconsciousness that need attention. Just my thoughts on that.

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