Shadows and Patterns

Living true to ourselves is definitely something that requires deep introspection. There are a lot of reasons that we often stop ourselves from looking deeper into our own conditioning that we never really explore. It can be either out of conscious or subconscious efforts. It's easier, right? To step back and say: this is just how it is and I've accepted it. There can be many reasons as to why we choose to stay in horrible situations; playing out past dynamics that we don't realize are a part of our own veiled perceptions. This was an introspection I needed to explore to get at the core of wounds of my own past and present.

Recently, and with the help of the lovely couple Jaq and Aaron, over at , I took a jump and decided to try a simple shadow session with them. I've been looking deeper into the reasons for my own conditioning of a life lived out of fear of instability, fear of a connection with someone, and self dependence. It's quite insane when you dig deep enough into the process of realizing how conditioned you can be due to simple upbringing. Patterns are everywhere, but digging deeper into your own history on all levels will reveal a conditioning that you might not even be consciously aware of.

I often found myself playing the role of the victim more than once; all while in a state of survival because of the kinds of experiences I attracted. Surrounding these experiences in my life were fears playing out due to abuse cycles growing up and a whole plethora of patterns I am constantly exploring while I'm on this journey of self discovery.

For example: stability seemed to be a very important ideal I needed to achieve to feel like I could finally live true to myself. Looking back I can see the very same pattern existing in the dynamic that my own family played out. Money was often treated as a very important moral in my family to feel secure. Meanwhile, my family struggled by being poor for many years and living off whatever income we could get. We were lower class and just getting by; never actually achieving the goal of getting the money needed to feel secure. 

This, in it's essence, creates a shadow. This keeps up a dynamic that continues to play out in my own life by presenting me with the same exact pattern of needing to feel secure first before I get what I truly want; but never actually achieving it. The shadow will continue to show itself over and over. This puts me at the mercy of living out dynamics that continue to manifest in my own experiences. It's insane when I think about all the applications of this. It goes right down to more layers of my personality, ways I did things, choices I made, and so much more. It could take days to talk about it.

It blows my mind out of this universe. When I see these pieces of myself that are all centered around the way I 'felt' I was living completely true to myself. But yet I was in constant disappointment and everything continued to play itself out in cycles of experiences that presented these shadows to me. My own self awareness was so imbalanced, that I couldn't even begin to see this happening. Until I got a deep taste of my own damaged inner child and I started to see the very thing I was avoiding: introspection of my own self awareness and fears. (Which I think is actually quite common.) The fact that I am more than just these experiences happening to me because "that's just how it is." 

In a sense it's ejected me from an autopilot seat I'd been living at for decades. It's existential, it's healing, it's psychological, it's even deeply spiritual in nature. It feels human. It brings me back around to one thing: who I truly am at the core and what needs to be healed or addressed. Not who I am because of everything else around me. Instead of living a life that lives me, I can truly understand what it means to create my own experience. It's fascinating.


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