The Road of Creativity

Recent events in my life have lead me down a path that I'd never before imagined I would find myself on. A place that has opened up my eyes and spilled out every perceived notion from my mind like grapes being squished in a strainer. Old behaviors, beliefs, and patterns that I had adopted due to my own upbringing and life choices were bobbed up to the surface. My own self defining movie reached a precipice of understanding that I can't even begin to describe.

I do believe everyone's own experiences are unique to their journey in life. For me, it's been a painful and loving path I've been enduring for months. Through the loss of one's own perception of everything you thought about your own existence, you can find the true nature of your being that you might have been suppressing. It's eye opening. It's vast. It's painful. But to be able to come back to a center of self awareness that flips you upside down and shakes you like a jar of marbles is part of this process of "waking up." 

Every marble comes spilling out on the floor and you're forced to pick up every single one and examine it thoroughly. Some of the marbles cut you deep, some of them shine gloriously, and some of them burn right through the palm of your hand. But with every examination you gain more insight into what you are, who you are, and what needs to be let go of or learned from. It's a process of recreation. A cocooning and redefining that you can't really grasp with just one facet of your mind, body, or words.

It's not an easy thing to suddenly become self aware to a point where you realize your own conditioning that has shrouded your personal reality. I'm not a spiritual person, I'm not a guru of any kind, and I'm definitely not some kind of amazing existentialist beatnik Buddhist. (Is that just another way of coloring your own experience?) But one thing I've learned is that we are all made up of different aspects of ourselves that should be explored to the fullest; yet we are often suppressed by the identity we have formed for ourselves in our minds due to life experiences and conditioning. We are more than just our ego, spirit, mind, or body. We are a sum of all of our parts. That is what creates the whole. But sometimes we have to explore every part to see how blind to our true self we have become. 

In society it seems like we are taught to suppress one thing only to embrace another thing, which leads to a self-defining mechanism of our own worth. It's weird that we aren't exploring more parts of our own existence in a natural way or releasing ourselves from negative patterns and family dynamics that keep us pushed down in a cycle of oppression. It's not like we can help it, it just happens that way. It's how we get by; how we survive. Perhaps that is part of everyone's journey in the end?

Every moment I breathe I am presented with a new challenge. Something to sit back and look at and check the angles of how I'd normally react. It's kind of crazy when I think about the different ways my own experience has been defined by my own reactions, emotions, and rationality. It's only natural for this to happen. But I began to see the way I reacted to things by simply observing my own fog that pushed my own version of understanding to the surface. Damn, it can be disheartening to see how clouded you can be by your own perception. But it's a learning experience nonetheless. 

My own perceived notion of how things will be or are going to be is like trying to predict an outcome by forcing an outcome. That'd be great if we could do that but we can't. My conscious mind is simply not that powerful. I'd be a superhero if I could! I'd probably will cotton candy into my own existence. We can only create from the clay of life being presented to us every second through our perception. Each thought I have, each experience, each reaction seems to be a result of this. I suppose in the end one of the core parts of being human is simply this: creation. Maybe by accepting all good and bad aspects of ourselves we learn more than we ever could about what it is we can be capable of creating? It's simple and yet it isn't. Either way, it's a road that awes me every second and teaches me more than I could ever dream of. That's really all I can say about that.


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