The Diary of the Hapless Hero: Day 1

Day 1

I don’t know why I’m even bothering with this journal writing business but my work assigned therapist suggested I find the time to write about my feelings due to stress. Well, you know what, Mr. Squeeze This Ball Until You Feel Better, I think I’ll write about my life instead. Probably a lot more interesting than my boring feelings anyway.

How do I start this? Oh, I know-

Dear diary,

It’s been one helluva day. I can’t even begin to describe the shitstorm I went through at work. First, Peggy the secretary that hails from purgatory itself, stared at me with those brown consistently vapid eyes. She acts as guardian to the big boss; which I haven’t actually seen for days. Her black horn rimmed glasses always perfectly reflect the white powdered doughnuts she eats every morning. It kind of illuminates her face like when people put a flashlight to their chin before they tell a crappy horror story over a campfire. Not that I’ve been camping in years, but still, I think it’s a good descriptor.

After she swarmed me with a vicious glare and complaints about how I was late again, I dropped down to my cubicle prison and groaned. I swear, if I look close enough there are probably invisible shackles on my seat attached to my ankles.

The familiar hum of the fluorescent light above me is always ready to remind me about my fate as a data entry chimp. I’ve named it Henry. We’re good pals. Henry likes to make sure I’m getting my fair share of buzzing daily.

So, while Henry and I were just chilling, I managed to find a few moments of peace with lame cat memes and the occasional bad joke on the internet. It all seemed to blur together as each minute droned until my eyes wanted to bleed out boredom onto the clean surface of my desk. After three hours of trying to keep myself awake and alert, (yeah I think I might have an iron deficiency or something) I spotted Lucy.

I decided to try and muster the courage to chat her up. Oh Lucy, damn she’s sweet. The prettiest woman with the girl next door demeanor that transferred from the main offices in Seattle. Yeah, I’ve been gushing on her for months. (Please don’t report me for some kind of sexual harassment case, okay Mr. Therapist?)

Everyday I can smell the freshness of her long auburn wavy hair as we chat in the break room. Even now, after what happened, I still want to wake up to that apple fresh scent and hazel eyes that beckon me with honest sincerity. Such a cute nose too. Button nose. I noticed her eyeing me a few times the past two days and figured I’d finally ask her out on a date. Oh man, if only I had a clue about what was going to happen next.

At first I was slightly embarrassed but managed to gather the courage to approach her as she bent down over the water cooler. Damn, she really has a nice waistline and wide hips and a nice round... I wonder what I could do to her in the dark with just the two of us. Or maybe two of her and one of me? Anyway, this is a diary right? Wouldn’t want to piss of Mr. Company Time by writing some kind of saucy erotic novel.

So this is where it gets kind of weird.

She was fiddling with the water cooler and I had a hard time making out if she was going to exchange the bottle or topple it over for the heck of it. I figured it was defunct, it used to malfunction a lot last year but Jim the Janitor fixed it. That’s when I noticed her suspicious attitude as she put something behind her back.

“Wade? Oh, hi. Um, what’s up?”

“Hey, I was wondering if you might want to get a coffee with me tomorrow? I mean, that is if you’re done courting the water cooler?”

She pushed her hair behind her ears with her free hand and giggled so delicately. (I just remembered thinking about how cute she looked in her pants suit and tight blazer today. Reowr!)

“Coffee?Yeah, that sounds great.”

I didn’t expect her to agree so quickly but when the item she was holding dropped to the ground my glee turned to curiosity. It was a shiny metallic syringe with a strange fluorescent blue liquid pulsing inside of it.

“What the heck is that?” I bent down to pick it up but she intercepted and moved in close to me.  If only it had been for a long kiss. Nevermind. Forget that.

“Don’t you dare say a word.” She whispered at me as her lovely hazel eyes cruelly met with mine.

Yep, that’s when the syringe slid into my chest. That’s when I fell to the ground and woke up here in this hospital room. The doctors claimed that I fainted from work related stress. Stress? I couldn’t be stressed at that job if I tried! I’m bored out of my mind.

No one was around to greet me so I called my cousin Larry and asked him to pick me up as soon as he found the time. Problem is, I’m starting to see things and these headaches seem to be getting worse by the second. My head feels like it’s expanding. I’m pretty sure I just saw something crawling on the walls that no one else noticed. Some kind of thin crab like spider thing. Not even the nurse that just gave me some nasty orange jello could see it.

Gross, that was just disgusting. Don’t eat hospital jello. It tastes like old feet.

Not that I’ve licked old people’s feet before. I wonder if Lucy and I are still on for coffee...

Day 2 >>


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