Not many people have gone through this type of experience. There are those that certainly try to bring about it's fruition (I have no idea why they would want to) through tripping, spiritual means, and even forcing themselves into a state that puts them on the brink. Those that have truly experienced this don't need an explanation from me. But those who haven't may be curious about how it manifested or the fierce thoughts, emotions, and experiences it creates.
While I've read a small amount on the subject when it first started happening to me, I originally had no clue what I was going through. There are many psychological, emotional, and spiritual teachings on the subject of the mind death or facing ego deconstruction. While I can share what my opinion is on the whole concept, I'm not a doctor. Going through something this deep also has merits in medicine, psychological health, existential crises theories, or even relationship dynamics that create these events. If you are going through something similar: please take care of yourself. It doesn't need a label, it just needs you to go through it. Labels didn't help me and the only thing I could do was survive it.
I am just one person who only invites to share my mind with people who want to hear about this experience. I can't give answers but I can give perspective and thought. This is what life is about to me: sharing and growth. You can sit with me and I only ask a person to bring their true honest self to the table.
If one digs deep enough into the spiritual side of the concept, you can find a lot about the concept of ego death. A lot of different takes on it and the reasons behind it. Psychological or existential. While I am not a religious or overly spiritual person, going through something like this can warp your perspective on what reality really is. So please take into consideration that everything is open to interpretation here.
In a new series of posts I started (with hesitation), I will be sharing my journals and experiences through this hard road; a road I am still undertaking to this day. This experience is unique to one's own journey. But what does it look like? How does it feel? I will be sharing my thoughts and perhaps shedding a bit of light on what it means to come clashing with the flip side of yourself. Facing the shadow self and what it has meant to me. (I've only recently been able to understand this duality and come to speak about it without feeling vulnerable.)
For those that are of a weak disposition, this is a fair warning so you understand that some of it might not be easy to take in. It is emotional and can sometimes be downright depressing. It is your choice if you believe me or not. I will only be able to share what I know. Consider this a warning to those who want to step away now.
This is the darkest yet most beautiful place I have ever been and will ever know. I'm not here to hurt anyone or to shirk them if they have different opinions on it. I am here only to share. I will die one day and this will be part of what I leave behind. Perhaps this can help others out there going through such an experience.
When I found myself at the plateau of this life changing desert, I never believed such a thing could happen. I thought I was dying; perhaps in a way I was. But no medical advice helped me. No doctors. No spiritual advice. No emotional advice. Yet my mind became torn and emotions became crippling. Even my body changed. I saw things, felt things, and suffered for months as it tore my world asunder. The complete rewriting of the reality I'd experienced came crashing down before me. This is what I'm sharing and I am sure there are others like me out there. Some may be honest and some may not. Either way, that is not for me to judge. Some I believe and some I don't. But many experiences from others have helped me to define what was happening.
This video may shed some light on the experience for some. It might help you. You Don't Get Out of the Dark Night, You Get In (Not necessarily my perspective, but just one persons.)
I only hope that people will understand that I am giving something deep, honest, crushing, beautiful and based on something very personal. This is for the future understanding and curiosity of individuals who find themselves on this path. I don't want anything from this, please remember this truth.
8;20 pm January. Nothing but doubt towards my future is filling me. I feel ill and my heart is in pain again. Wouldn’t it just be easier to let it all go? Why does this keep happening? I keep feeling nothing but pain and sadness. I’m so confused. Stuck in between this shadow gaze upon my soul. It stares into me and I’m humbled and also scared out of my mind. Embracing the shadows? Is this my shadow? It’s impossible. Nothing in this world is ever free. Nothing is ever given to us. Only love. You can try and try and you will always be dealt the hand that fate decides is yours. I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my mind. I see it in my mind's eye and I want to just fall apart into beautiful pieces. I’m falling apart into shards and pieces. I feel it in my heart. The pain of this disconnect is physically harming me. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. The trees are crying. Parts of me feel like I’m dying. I'm screaming. I loved so many and lost so much.Maybe dying is the only choice in this respect. Give up your earthly wants. Everything I’ve ever wanted was either tainted or destroyed before I could even get my fingers on it. Everything beautiful has wasted away in front of my eyes and pulled my very soul from my body. The only thing left is darkness. A void that beckons my name. Love? It means nothing. It’s just a fairy tale isn't it? Only reality is real.
If I kill my heart will it matter? I’ll be lost in time just like the rest of those who are small stones in a pond. Thrown into the deep waters, only to drown and never see the surface again. The light disappears for those like me. There is only darkness for those like me. I’m one of the lost. Forever feeding the monsters that will take everything from me. Death. Will I forever be grasping ferociously over the only bit of happiness and love I have left? I believe in it but I don’t believe in it. This reality is all there is and all that ever has been. It’s more real than it’s ever been. It’s more real than love. It’s more real than hope. It’s real. Love is real. I saw it again last night.When it pulsates through me I feel so warm. So loved and naked. But when I turn towards the shadows, the comfort of pain crushes my very being. This negative pain and energy courses through me. It feeds on me. I feed on it. It is me. Should I just give it what it wants? What does it want? It's watching me. I’m connected but feel such sorrow. Such pain. Such love. Such joy. Tears don't stop. I'll never stop. I can't stop this.