Dearest Friend I Love,
I don't know if you'll read this, and that's okay if you don't, I'm unsure even now what has happened between us in this mirror of illusion. I've hung on for a time but lost my grip on this connection even though I'm sure you know I don't want to. Beyond the games we've played and these subtle expressions, I've found myself parched in the desert of uncertainty. Words and connection fail in this thirsty place but I understand the difference between what I can provide and what I cannot. I am abandoned and with just reason. This is where I belong. Even now I'm unsure of how much of this is real but I can paint a picture from my imagination.
When I said that I understood and would never let go, I meant it, but perhaps in some ways I have realized the extent of my own lifetime razor hide. I don't blame you for letting me go. The explosions of criticism and questioning were never intended, for that I apologize. Is this part of my nature? If so, how could one even live with such a person? At the start, you put so much effort in, It does not matter to me if it was an illusion, the fact you put in the time to show me is more than enough; it was admirable and wonderful. You made me feel special. I haven't felt such intensity in years. You woke me up from my just sleep.
I invited your friendship and attention despite the danger. It drew me in like the moon to my sun. I put in effort, but it wasn't enough. Fear of rejection overcame me. There was anger at the mistakes of others from my past and my projections destroyed such a wonderful opportunity. You mean more to me than you realize but I couldn't give you what you needed. You are human and deserving of love and understanding. You are wonderful, I hope you know what you've taught me. Does this goodbye hurt me? Yes, but not because of you. What hurts me is knowing I hurt you before it could even get off the ground. I will never know what could be for us both. What we could do for one another and what I could do for you earnestly. These wounds I have will always be a part of me. Is it possible that we needed one another and had the answers to what we both sought? I do not know.
All of the confusing strings in between us still exist inside me. I don't blame you for moving on but blaming myself for the inconsistency lies at my feet. I'm sure you won't feel my remorse, and that's okay. You are beautiful to me in many ways despite this. I wanted to help bring about the sanctuary you seek and give you the love you deserve. While I know myself and my own strengths; with you they failed me. One thing is certain, and you are right, I do not have sanctuary.
In many ways I see myself in you and you in me. Perhaps the layers of my own abyss glides over me, gripping onto my feet as the sky rips open above me. The pervasive eye of judgement punishes me as I kick and scream at my lifetime scrutiny. I do know how it feels to need someone like you, and I curse myself for being so weak. I have fought for my existence yet always give strength to those who deserve it; and no one deserved it more than you. This is my nature to care for others over myself sometimes, but even here I can let people down. I failed you my friend. My inspiration. My love.
There will always be love in my heart for you and what you provided for me when I wasn't giving enough. You listened to me and saw into me, and for a time my barrier around my heart was down. I fear it is impenetrable for eternity. No one has been able to do this to me in many decades. No one but you. I hope that love finds you or you find it with someone who deserves your attention and emotion. This person seems to not be me? You need someone that can provide you with the sanctuary you seek. It hurts to admit it, but I can't change what I've done. Perhaps one day I will be strong enough. This desert is my home and always has been.
We are all devils of our own making and what is an angel but the duality of such an extremity.
Thank you for everything,