Part 4 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits. Please refer to previous posts 1, 2, or 3 if interested in the content of these posts. Warning: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals.
I dreamt of it again. I can’t tell if it’s trying to tell me something or if we’re communicating. It’s my heart. I can’t stop the pain. I keep waking up in the middle of the night with intense emotions of needing to reach out to myself. Sometimes it happens out of my own volition and other times it’s out of my control. My dreams are hazy but I keep getting blurry traces of my face. Seeing the faces of the past. What is beauty? Pain and love.
I can’t remember much of my dreams but the dreaming was very vague and I kept waking up out of sleep feeling like I needed to talk to myself. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The urge to just sit there and think overcame me. The day passed before I knew it and the darkness came again.
Had a very horrible night of sleep. Insomnia. Very little dreaming. Constant pulling at my chest near my heart all day. What does it all mean? Doctors tell me nothing.
It was an incredibly hard day today. Filled with so many dark thoughts and felt such cynicism pour out of me. I stared in the mirror again at myself. Deep into my eyes. Feeling nothing but pure fear, hate, and rejected the very notion of love even existing inside me any longer. I know that’s not true but it is. I felt empty, dark, like a black hole was sucking me into the event horizon. It screamed at me as I screamed back. My empathy had all but been destroyed. Why when I give so much? Why?
From the deepest pit of my self I laughed this horribly spine tingling sound. It was immediately followed by tears after telling myself that love never existed. That I cursed those who ever hurt me and that I wished they would feel all of the pain that I'd ever felt that they caused me in my kindness and suffering at their hands.
In a sense I was almost cursing myself. Looking into my own eyes, into the mirror. If I am to curse myself, does that mean I'm causing pain to my soul? What is a soul?
I immediately felt nothing but pure sadness after the outburst but a part of this painful energy and pressure I'd felt on my chest was starting to fade. Guilt hit me all night as I thought that I might be projecting it. Why is my shadow taunting me? I’m so angry. I’m so happy. Colors. Tears. Smiles. It’s all a part of me.
Had a nightmare last night exposing fears I woke as I was choking myself in my dreams. It scared me to death but I almost killed me. I need to find a way to center these dark emotions and anger. It almost felt good. That really frightens me. What is happening? Am I dying? Am I birthing? Consigned. What does the raven want from me? Why is it here haunting me? A line of them laughing. I'm not afraid to die.