The Strength of the Human Heart 5
Part 5 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits. Please go here if you are just beginning. Warning 1: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals. Warning 2: I am not a psychologist or professional in the field of mental health. These are simply my human and soulful experiences, take from them whatever you want.
Today I'm going to talk about programming our own perceptions and how it related to my so called experience of "twin flame awakening" or even "the wounded healer" archetype.
During my experience of the Dark Night of the Soul, I was inevitably hoisted to the very precipice of questioning my own existence. Through every part of the complex nature of seeing myself breaking down each emotional onion layer that I had created around the very core of my being, there was always the begging question in my mind of what it even means to be a part of this hopeless chaos we call existing. The ever changing nature of everything that was happening pushed me to look deeper into the universe I'd created inside myself.
I don't mean some kind of imaginary world, though one might think that if they look deeper into how everyone perceives what happens around them. No. What I mean is: What had I created inside of my personal universe of emotions, mind, and physical state that had put me on the path I was currently following. Integral questions of the universe inside and around me needed to be answered. I was following a program that had been going for a very long time; since childhood. A program that would destroy me the further along I followed it. It caused me to ignore the deeper seeded issues I needed to address and explore inside of myself. Sure, I love exploring, but this was not something I could explore from the outside. This took a deep introspection into my own fucking reality.
When I say programmed, I essentially mean upbringing and predisposition of proposed ways of living due to external influences that were either out of my control or choices I made to form my own reality experience. I had become the person that was struggling to figure out why everything outside of me was impacting me on deeper levels instead of finding that strength of heart I knew I always had. What kind of lineage had I been carrying around with me? What kind of history was I repeating like a lifetime groundhog day? What was the purpose of all my experiences? What made me do one thing instead of another? What was a choice I'd made and what was out of my hands? All valid questions but not easy ones to answer when you are in emotional turmoil.
While exploring parts of myself I'd neglected due to this state of so called "programming", I was in a constant state of flux of questions without answers. The hardest part was how it felt like I was almost going back in time. I needed to reassess everything I'd ever done and experienced. Some of it by choice and other times by it happening to me. But the one thing I came to realize as I explored this universe inside of me, there was a blank slate underneath that was waiting to be rewritten and my inner child was held hostage to pain. A piece of paper without words. A canvas without paint. Everything that was happening was deconstructing the very fabric of what I thought was real and screaming at me to end the cycle of familial abuse. End the programming I'd had been using since birth and carried with me due to perception.
It is incredibly divine and beautiful when you think about it, but at the time I saw it as the most soul crushing experience I ever went through. I didn't know how to rewrite what had happened to me and you can't really rewrite it, only change it. Being able to go back in time and change history would be great but it's not going to happen; well, not yet at least. (What can I say, I have a vivid imagination.)
The only thing that could change was me integrating new parts of myself that had to be there to create a core foundation for me to start building something new. You see, when it all fell apart on me (and it was fast, very fast) the foundations had been ripped out from under me. At times it felt like a huge joke that the universe was playing on me, ripping out the comfy carpet I'd been inhabiting and making me fall into an abyss. My perception of my core was utterly obliterated and there was nothing that could fix it. I couldn't plaster it. I couldn't re-brick it. I couldn't put some glue here or there to stop the pain body from taking over. The only thing I could do was feel it all. Feel everything that had happened. Scream, kick, cry, run, laugh, sob. (Check out this great video that provided me some perspective during my experiences. Take from it what you will.) The insanity of it had to happen in order for me to destroy the crumbling foundation that a life of survival had generated. Sometimes it even felt feral to be going through such moments. But clarity would come and sometimes the reward of creating something was the only thing to get me through it.
I would pick up my pencil, digital pen, or paintbrush and just go at it. Everything just came out and was spilling through onto the paper or screen before me. Writing too. It helped center me and kept me from going literally bonkers at times. The only way I could recreate this universe into something more authentic was by going through the wounds that had been gripping onto me for decades. This is not an easy path folks. It is always ongoing. It is always about finding another deep part of yourself you have to question and assess. Does it get easier? Yes. You eventually come to a point where you see yourself and can say: I know who you are now. I can see who this person is. The picture is forming. The feelings are there. My heart is strong and I am human. All concepts are open and everything had to be looked and integrated.
This is the universe I create inside of me and I can see it for once. No matter how this moment of being awakened happened, I could no longer continue sleeping and some days I'm still there. I'm still making a new picture and plotting the stars to something more.