Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Love Simply Is


A friend of mine once asked me the loaded question of what love was. What it meant to love someone and be in love with them. A tall order.

We sat in his car as he drove me home on the empty streets, the evening settling in quietly. Very few cars were halting our progress. I sat there holding my bag of groceries, taking in his question and the best possible way to answer him. I also took into account that this friend has often said he thinks the idea of love is great but for the most part is a chemical reaction between two people that creates trust and companionship. This is fine, the scientific merit of what happens biologically between two people isn’t something I would deny when humans co-exist. It doesn’t go unnoticed. But knowing this about him, I had to answer his question with the right answer.

I spend a lot of my personal free time around pretty rational, intelligent, and skeptical thinking individuals. This line of thought and processing isn’t unfamiliar to me. These kinds of questions are also explored often and I discover something new every time. While I am a dreamer and entertain many different ways of thinking, I need to be kept grounded in reality from time to time and my friend provides this for me. (As much as I hate reality, I do like it sometimes.)

I also knew that answering him with some half-baked quote from a book, movie, or re-purposed regurgitated bullshit just wouldn’t do it. The simple answer of it being a feeling between two people that grows and changes with time just wouldn’t suffice because he’d either know this answer and I wouldn’t be doing justice to the fact of love being something more than that.

“Well, love is. Love is...”
“Yeah?” He turned the corner to the street that lead to my home with a precise skill I appreciated. He is a pretty safe driver and I never feel uneasy when he drives. He knows what he’s doing.
“Well, love is when you would do anything in the world to see the other person happy, even if that means doing nothing.”

He sat in silence as I watched him take in the information and his brain processed it in his usual fashion. He was certainly thinking way too long about my answer. I listened to myself say it in my head again and re-processed what I had originally said. I’m not the only one who sees connection in many different ways, flaws, arguments, and reasons to everything someone or myself says. Usually I’m able to come to a conclusion based on my own moral compass or reasoning.

“Huh. That’s really beautiful Ki, thanks.” He answered me with a warm smile.

Doubt crept in as I thought more about my answer. I felt I wasn’t sufficiently displaying the feeling or experience that love brings to a person’s life. How could I display it in such a simplistic manner? I was pretty sure he knew that too by the simplicity of his own reaction. The wrestling in my mind had taken over and the idea of what it really meant. Going back on what I said would definitely change the outcome of its impact and a part of me knew my answer was to continue to keep the hope alive in his heart or mind. It sounded wrong to me but also right. I didn’t want to put a taint on the moment.

So I come back to the question through the rest of my day not feeling confident in my answer. Think about it in the shower as I sing badly. Play a videogame for a little while and imagine it in my mind. It crosses my mind as I take a bite of my food. It fogs my thoughts as I lay down in bed and toss around the blankets. Pet my cat and try to see the answer in her eyes. I wrestle with the thought and how I could more accurately answer his question. So I replay the moment. Rewind. Repeat. Instant replay.

“Yeah I mean, I think the idea of love is great but what is love really?”
“Well, love is. Love is...”
“Yeah?” He turned the corner to the street that lead to my home with a precise skill I appreciated. He is a pretty safe driver and I never feel uneasy when he drives. He knows what he’s doing.

“Well, love is chaos and pain. Love can deliver you from the darkest abyss that inhabits you or pulls you down into its clutches. When all is lost and you think your emotions will consume you, drowning you in love’s waters; it reaches it’s hand out to you and saves you from the waves. Love can destroy you and bring forth an endless string of pain or beauty. Love can be delicious, distasteful, ugly, gorgeous, perfect, imperfect, short, long, life lasting, perfect timing, the worst timing you’ve ever experienced, creepy, silent, loud, death, life, loneliness, crowded, open, closed, masochistic, sadistic, playful, serious, giving, selfish, fair, unfair, it burns, it soothes, between one and one, between more than one, and then some.

It can utterly and irrevocably crush you and make you feel distraught; or lift you up into the sky and carry you into the warmth of the sun. Love is life changing and life affirming. It is human and isn’t human. It is forever and it is never. It is a dream and it isn’t real. Love is a hello and a goodbye. Love is the patient consideration and the impatient need. Love is weird and love is normal. It can make our world turn and make our world stop. It’s our salvation and it’s our destruction. Love is the end and love is the beginning. Late nights and early mornings. Cleansing tears and painful tears. Love is what you make it and when others fake it. The earth beneath you as you grip it in your fingers and the sky above you as you shield yourself from it’s burn. Love is clarity and complete distraction. Understanding and confusion. Love is simple and love is complicated. Love is everything and love is nothing.”

He sat in silence as I watched him take in the information and his brain processed it in his usual fashion.

“Huh. That’s really beautiful Ki, thanks.” He answered me with a warm smile.





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