Strength of the Human Heart 6

Part 6 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits which is still ongoing to this day. Please go here if you are just beginning. Warning 1: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals. Warning 2: I am not a psychologist or professional in the field of mental health. These are simply my human and soulful experiences, take from them whatever you want.

Holy Idealism

You took from me until I had nothing left to give to you. You stole from me. You ate my heart and watched until there was nothing left. You tortured me, You let them in my hiding place. You let them destroy my innocence. You let him destroy. You destroyed my father. You lied to my Grandma. You took away everything from me. You took my friendship and used me. You caressed my heart with your teeth and spat it out. You left me to be buried in the dust of betrayal. You split me in two and consumed my heart in glee. You watched me bleed for you in front of your eyes. You threw me to the wolves and didn’t care. You took my words and turned them cruel, twisted and burnt. You turned my world into ash and watched me eat it. You put me out into the cold and let me starve every day. You sold me to your God and told me to pray, sit up straight, be a good girl or you’ll go to hell. You let me have nightmares and wake up covered in sweat and never comforted. You held me tight then pushed me down.

You put me in the room with the strangers in the woods where they screamed I was going to hell. You let them push me down on the bed in the unknown room. You blocked those memories so I wouldn’t remember as the sun set and you drove me home. You let him touch us. You let them touch me. You sent me a get well card as I sat in a hospital bed dying. You told me you’d pray for my corrupted soul. You let me bleed out on the operation table as they cut me open to heal all the wounds. You let my leg get snapped. You let me breathe through a tube. You left me destitute as I crawled on my hands and knees gasping for air. You let me fall to my knees in front of you begging for love.You tossed out our memories. You threw out my memories because I was no longer there.

You drugged me up and bloated me full of pills. You forced religion on me with violence. You let him hit me. You let his belt welt my body. You watched him choke. You let him come into my room. You never stopped them. You ignored the pain. You slapped me across the face and made me lie about it. You pitted her against me for your love that one night. You lied when you said forever. You made me homeless more than once. You kicked me out and then wanted me back. You smiled from a distance as I cried for you, turning your back. You told me to wait but never returned. You let me sit in the driveway waiting all day for my father who died. You put me into an adoption home.

You threw me into the psych ward for you abandoning me. You watched me hurt myself and gazed on. You kissed me under the tree. You soaked up my tears and made sure you created more. You held my hand in yours but let go. You knew they abandoned me and then did it too. You crushed me down and watched me get back up. You threw fire on my self esteem and laughed as it burned. You called me names and belittled me. You pushed your sins onto me. You fervently made sure I was pure. You made me stay in line. You pushed your guilt onto me. You let me process your sanctimonious guilt. You made me be blinded by idealism to the world. You called me a whore. You let him call me a whore. You made me pray so I would stay clean. You let them beat me and chase me outside where I hid in a tree. You watched as destruction span around us.

You let your religion control us. You let them crush my hand. You let them push me under the water for Baptist John. You trapped me so I had to run more than once. You screamed in my face and called me nothing. You let him call me nothing. You made me feel wrong and dirty for liking a boy. You let him get away with stealing but then blamed me. You kept her from me and spread vicious lies to save yourself. You called me a murderer. You left me. You knew who I was and all my pain on that moonlit night but it was a game. You messed with my mind. You threw false accusations into my face. You used up all my time and isolated me with no goals. You used up all those years and took every tear. You watched me die inside. You called me a heathen for not believing and claimed I was possessed.

You let me leave and never called back. You turned them against me. You told me it wasn’t over when it was. You crept into my room. You pulled my hair and told me to be better. You let her ancient hand smack my face and call me contemptuous before she pushed me out of the car. You took all that money and bitched you needed more when I was without a home. You lied but said I was the Jezebel. You said you would protect me but destroyed me instead. You did all of this and so much more.

You never loved me.

But I always loved you

I held you as you cried your angry tears.

I held onto your shirt and stared at the stars, as you laughed at my fate from Mount Olympus.

I got back up from the scars that walk with me forever on my own strength and hope alone.


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